How to Love Your Big Sister Despite Her Annoyance: 12 Steps (2024)

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Co-authored byWilliam Gardner, PsyD

Last Updated: May 15, 2023

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   Contemplate your relationship with your older sister. Be sure to look at the relationship from her perspective as well, and not just yours. Remember that she has feelings as well. Consider the following:

   • Is our relationship strong or weak?
   • What are the positives of my relationship with her?
   • What are the negatives of my relationship with her?
   • What can be done to improve my relationship with her?
   • Have I done anything wrong in the past to hurt her deeply?
     • If so, could her hostile behavior towards me be a result of my mistake?
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   Think about any recent fights you have had with her. What subject did those arguments mostly circle around? Were they petty or important fights? If you two fight frequently, you may want to try to lower the number!

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   Consider her own personal life. Has she been dealing with problems at school or outside of the family? If she has been, she probably is taking out her frustration on you - one of the few or many things she is able to pick on easily. If this is the situation you are looking at, remember that she has feelings just like you do, and she may actually be going through a hard time.

   • Make sure you understand the importance of accepting that our sister is who she is. She's going to live her life and you're going to live yours. You can't try to impress your values onto her, or you're just going to create more problems.
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   See Also

   20 Reasons Why Big Sisters Make the Best Lifelong Friends - Raising Teens TodayHow to Be a Good Big Sister: Understanding Responsibilities & Creating Lasting Memories - The Enlightened Mindset9 Things I've Learned About Being A Big Sister | Her TrackThe Secret To Success? Having A Big Sister

   Remember that she may be just jealous of you and your life. Siblings can easily get jealous of one another, and wish they had their siblings' successes or life. If that is the case, treat your older sister nicely, and bring everyone's attention to her excellent qualities and talents. Speak nicely of her, and make sure people know that she is a good person.

   • Be careful of who you tell your sister's qualities to, as this could end badly. It's best to tell your friends about how talented your sister is, so that they will look up to her.

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   Now that you've had some deep thought about your relationship with her, first focus on the wounds that you need to heal. If you have had a recent fight with her within the past few days or so, go to her, and sincerely apologize to her.

   • Make sure you go to her at the right time, such as when she isn't in her room. If you interrupt what she is doing in the privacy of her room, she may be unwilling to accept your apology.
   • If you can't remember any recent fights, apologize for anything you have done in the past to hurt her. Make sure you mean it, and you aren't just saying it.
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   If she responds badly to your apology, take it quietly. Tell her that you're sorry that she feels this way about you, but mention that you still are sorry for anything you've done to hurt her in the past. Then, leave quickly and silently to give her no time to throw another insult at you. Don't wait for her reaction.

   • If you return an insult, it will only provoke your sister's anger further, and she will refuse any following apologies for a while.
   • If she calls you back, cautiously return. Don't look too eager or quick for her forgiveness, but don't move slowly or she will take it as reluctance, and perhaps be offended.
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   Ask her if you had done anything in the past to offend or hurt her. Have a simple, but pleasant tone. Don't sound haughty or reluctant to apologize for anything.

   • If she tells you, immediately apologize after she is done talking, and don't interrupt her. Assure her that you will make sure it doesn't happen again on purpose.
   • If she refuses to tell you, mention that if she wants to talk, you will listen. Still tell her that you're sorry.
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   Show kindness towards her, and do pleasant things for her, such as letting her have the last bit of ice cream, or giving her the biggest cookie. Be willing to share with her, but don't be too eager. Although she still may not be nice to you, your kindness to her will eventually rub off on her.

   • If you're too nice to her, she may get annoyed and/or suspicious. Keep your kindness to an appropriate level.
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   Immediately leave her alone if she tells you to go away. Don't argue or whine about it, or you will drive her anger further. Take a deep breath, and be the mature one, no matter how angry she may make you.

   • If you don't leave, you will just see a door slammed in your face.
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   If she tries to pick a fight with you, refuse to continue the fight. If she starts the fight, you will end it simply. Take a deep breath, tell her you don't want to fight, and walk off. Don't look back, and don't listen to any insults she shoots at you, no matter how bad or crude they are.

   • Refrain from being a tattletale, but do let your parents know if she has been abusing or hurting you in any way, verbally or physically.
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   Give her privacy. This will work well, especially if you are a kid or a tween, and she is a teenager. Privacy is one of the most important parts of her life, and she is probably going through a stage where she just needs some space. Allow her to have it, and she may be a little more nice to you.

   • Never go into her room without her permission. Think of her room as off limits for you, unless if she opens the door for you to come in.
   • If she does allow you in her room, take it a special privilege. Don't touch any of her belongings, no matter how tempted you are, or she may kick you out, and never allow you back in. Respect her privacy and boundaries, and only touch what she allows you to touch.
     • If she does allow you to touch something, be extremely careful with it. Don't drop, damage, or spoil it.
     • If you do damage a belonging of hers, buy another for her, or fix it (if possible).
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   Most importantly, tell her that you love her! Even if she seems to get grossed out by that, telling it to her will make her feel special. Tell that to her on a daily basis, but don't make it like clockwork. Tell it to her at the most important or meaningful times, and fill it with meaning - not just empty words filled with air.

   • If you don't tell her that you love her, she will not know that, and will become even more annoying because of that. She will believe that you don't love her, when really, you do.

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